Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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