Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
