Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Randomize
