Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
