new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
