I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
