i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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