Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
