Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My penis needs a shock collar
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
