john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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