I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
