sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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