It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
