it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
