so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
