doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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