Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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