we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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