I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
