He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
