there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
