She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
