im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My dick has a subreddit
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
