Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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