If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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