watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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