Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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