life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
