Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
