I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
