She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
