He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
