I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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