You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
