I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
