Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
