I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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