just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
