i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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