I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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