I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
