I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
