i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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