BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
