my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
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All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
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I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize