What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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