I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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