Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
