the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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