that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Blood and glitter go together right?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
