My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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