woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much rum. So many feels.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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