to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
