I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
