i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Randomize
