I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Randomize
