I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
