can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
