last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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