I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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