woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
