You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
