i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
